People to Avoid at the Ballpark

• People who keep getting up. Over nine innings, you should get up once, twice if you’re female. Go to the bathroom, get something to eat then sit back down and don’t get up again until the game is over. Stop making people in your row get up.
• People waving signs trying to get on ESPN or Fox. This isn’t a game show. Sit down.
• There are two categories of cell-phone users who need savage beatings. First is the guy who has a friend in the crowd eight sections over and calls him so they can wave at each other. Your friend knows what you look like, bozo.Then there are the people who sit in box seats and call their friends watching at home and wave every time the camera catches them in the background. Teams should employ snipers to wound these people.
• Drunks. Why would you spent so much money on tickets, gas and parking and then crush so many $8.50 beers that you can’t remember half of what happened the next day? It makes no sense. Meanwhile, they’re loud, obnoxious and usually fans of the other team.
• Adult autograph seekers. I think players should be contractually mandated to sign 10 autographs every day for kids. But once you’re 18, give it up. Let the kids through. I’m always disgusted at the get-a-lifers who jockey for position with children.
• Trampy girls at batting practice. This always brings a smile. No matter what stadium you’re in, you see scantily clad women in stripper heels posing near the dugout trying to catch the attention of the players. This strategy may work in the minors. But do you really think Brian Roberts is going to look up and say, “Hey, purple halter, Room 812 at the Westin tonight.”
• People trying to start The Wave. The Wave is a plague on sports. It’s 50,000 people saying, “Look at us, we’re all mindless and we don’t care about the game.

Is there anybody I’m missing?